For as long as I can remember, I've had insomnia.

Last night, I lay in bed staring at the paper blinds swaying back and forth, and wondering why I have found myself in this same scenario so often. Laying on my side, watching the blinds tap against the window in the breeze, listening to Brad sleeping, softly, admiring the gentle quality of florescent light that passes through the rice paper and washes my ceiling at night.

As his soft breathing evolved to soft snoring, and the passing cars had become few and far between, I realized what it was that made me so continuously restless. It was fear of loss. The same fear of loss that permeates my life from day to day. I was afraid of the day slipping away. I was afraid of losing the events of the day. My memories. Myself.

A friend recently commented to me "who are you"? I really don't know. Maybe if I did, or was okay with not knowing, I would be able to let go. I would be able to shut my eyes, and let it all slip away. But I can't. I remember almost every event that has passed since my first memory.

So I lay there, pulling the sheets close to my body as if they would fly away if I didn't. Pulling the events of my life closer and closer, as if they too, would fly away. But now I'm tired. I want to rest.

I hope that some day, a clear and quiet version of myself will emerge. I'll drift off, and sleep for days on end. I'll wake up a better, more conscious version of myself. My higher self. Calm and accepting of change and circumstance.

Until then, sing me a lullaby

It's been awhile. Once again, I return to this virtual time capsule, which now seems to be reserved for documenting solely the most important events in my life. Why did I start it? I wanted the option to record my thoughts from anywhere, and have them all colated and organized in one place. Writings on little pieces of paper don't stand the test of time.

So what brings me here? Brad. He deserves an aknowledgement, at the very least. He's changed my perspective on everything. He's challenged me to look at myself more closely, and the world around me. The funny thing is that he's done this almost without saying anything. Through his dedication and compassion, I've been forced to look at myself more carefully. I've realized that I've subconsciously sabotaged almost every relationship that I've been in. I've realized that without constant verbal affirmation from others, I tend to doubt myself. Brad has taught me that I don't need these things to feel confident. He tells me through is actions. He tells me by bringing me coffee in the morning. He tells me by kissing me on the neck and holding me tightly. He may not express everything verbally, but I've come to realize that it isn't important. I need to believe in myself and what I'm capable of, and can't expect anyone to provide the strength that I need to get by. True courage and strength comes from within.

Gentle, compassionate, lovely Brad.

Of course, no one's perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. I'm certainly not perfect. At times, I can be insecure, selfish, childish, and negative. I push people away emotionally, especially when I love them. I'm afraid of being abandoned, so I abandon those that I love so that they can't abandon me. But, I've realized that I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't continue this pattern, for one reason. Brad. He deserves better than that. I can't keep taking my insecurities out on him. He may not always say the right thing, but I can't expect him to constantly reaffirm my value as a person. That's something that I need to learn how to do myself. I love him. True love doesn't require anything in return. Plus, I've learned recently that if you don't expect a lot from a person, they tend to give more of themselves, and trust you more. So, I'm trying not to be demanding.

I've always considered myself to be a somewhat self aware person. But being with brad has shed some light on the darker aspects of my personality. Most people, when faced with their uglier side, would immediately get angry at the person holding the mirror to themselves. I'm trying to rise above that, and become more accepting of myself, and more self aware. After all, any close relationship would never survive if you weren't able to accept all aspects of your (and the other person's) personality. I refuse to vicitimize myself. It's so easy to point the finger at someone else. It's much harder to be aware of, and accept your own flaws.